2009: Post 800

I used to be, so I think now, a better person. It’s not all rose-colored retrospective; I’m looking past the clouded days of Kollidge, when my depressive episodes were at their most enduring and chronic. I’m not ignoring the fact that there were numerous instances of jackassery and shenanigans, either.

And I don’t slight the kind of person I am now, entirely, either. But I find the man-in-the-mirror a trifle grey lately, and it’s probably been years.

Again, I am reminded of Dante Alighieri, writing of the man who awoke, finding himself lost in the woods. Me? Often, nowadays, I’m not even awake – just drowsing on the forest floor, too indolent to move or care.

Or so I think.

I used to be better, in the sense that I think I was closer to what I want to be. Closer to thenewman, and farther from theotherguy. Lately, for years it seems, theotherguy has been edging back in, taking over territory, a dog leaning on you to budge you a little at a time out of the way.

I shy from public pronouncements of vows and resolutions. But this is only because I feel there will be ensuing failure(s) and take-backs and told-you-soes.

And yet~

We are told to make the public pronouncement, so it must be of some importance, even though I don’t like it. I allow that the world doesn’t always run the way I want it to go.

As for making the public pronouncement again, maybe for the benefit of those who weren’t around to hear it the first time, or for ourselves after we have re-dedicated ourselves to a pursuit – I can’t think of any directive, off-hand, but I figure the principle applies. Or re-applies.

I want to be a Christian again. I don’t know if there is enough good material left in me for G-d to work with, but that is probably a good sign. So there it is.

I’d settle for hitting the high mark again – as I was in late high school / early college. But I bet that since I am now a “grown-up” that the high-mark can be easily eclipsed and fairly quickly, if only I stay close to the mark.

G-d help me.

But isn’t that the point? :o)



* hat tip to Stephen King for italics.